Are you being emotionally abused by a partner? Check out the causes,signs,effects and solution
What Is Emotional Abuse?
“It involves a regular pattern of verbal offense, threatening, bullying, and constant criticism, as well as more subtle tactics like intimidation, shaming and manipulation. Emotional abuse is used to control and dominate the other person…”
Often the abuser takes offense to perceived verbal slights or minor faults of the partner when the partner has no intent to hurt the abusers’ feelings or do anything “wrong”.
“If you aren’t sure what constitutes this damaging behavior, here are 30 signs of emotional abuse.
1. They humiliate you, put you down, or make fun of you in front of other people.
2. They regularly demean or disregard your opinions, ideas, suggestions, or needs.
3. They use sarcasm or “teasing” to put you down or make you feel bad about yourself.
4. They accuse you of being “too sensitive” in order to deflect their abusive remarks.
5. They try to control you and treat you like a child.
6. They correct or chastise you for your behavior.
7. You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.
8. They try to control the finances and how you spend money.
9. They belittle and trivialize you, your accomplishments, or your hopes and dreams.
10. They try to make you feel as though they are always right, and you are wrong.
11. They give you disapproving or contemptuous looks or body language.
12. They regularly point out your flaws, mistakes, or shortcomings.
13. They accuse or blame you of things you know aren’t true.
14. They have an inability to laugh at themselves and can’t tolerate others laughing at them.
15. They are intolerant of any seeming lack of respect.
16. They make excuses for their behavior, try to blame others, and have difficulty apologizing.
17. The repeatedly cross your boundaries and ignore your requests.
18. They blame you for their problems, life difficulties, or unhappiness.
19. They call you names, give you unpleasant labels, or make cutting remarks under their breath.
20. They are emotionally distant or emotionally unavailable most of the time.
21. They resort to pouting or withdrawal to get attention or attain what they want.
22. They don’t show you empathy or compassion.
23. They play the victim and try to deflect blame to you rather than taking personal responsibility.
24. They disengage or use neglect or abandonment to punish or frighten you.
25. They don’t seem to notice or care about your feelings.
26. They view you as an extension of themselves rather than as an individual.
27. They withhold sex and love as a way to manipulate and control.
28. They share personal information about you with others.
29. They invalidate or deny their emotionally abusive behavior when confronted.
30. They make subtle threats or negative remarks with the intent to frighten or control you.
How does an emotionally abusive behaviour start?
When they first start abusing (usually as a small child), they are rewarded in some way.Throw a toddler tantrum and get a sweet to distract you? Bingo! Tantrum = free sweet. Hit someone you’re angry at, and they go away? Bingo! Extra points if they’re crying as they go.
Ah, but there are negative consequences to being physically abusive. So we learn to be emotionally or verbally abusive instead. People bully to gain control, to bolster self-esteem or even social position, for financial gain, or even just for the fun of it. But it all starts from being rewarded for doing mean things.
Can an emotionally  abusive partner change?
Your abusive boyfriend will never change his behavior. Despite making false promises to never mistreat you again, it’s only a matter of time before he goes back to his old ways. He’s determined to continue to be controlling and manipulative by telling you things that you want to hear.
Everytime the two of you argue, you’re his emotional punching bag. When things aren’t going his way, you’re his door mat and emotional punching bag.
He’s responsible for his own actions and you shouldn’t tolerate his disrespectful attitude. Anger management isn’t enough for him to understand the damage that’s too severe for repair.
Instead of spending another year with him, it’s best to end the relationship. He will have no one else to blame but himself for losing a good woman who wasn’t obligated to stand by him. You deserve to be with someone who treats you with respect.
What psychological effects does an abusive relationship cause?
The effect is gradual from negative then after recovery,the effect turns out positive.
These include :
1.She won’t trust anyone easily
2.Your mistakes are not easily forgiven
3.She will have pretty bad mood swings
4.She will be extremely strong
5.She will be patient & Understanding

How do you leave an abusive relationship?
Firstly, I’d like to congratulate you for arriving at the conclusion that you’re being abused. Usually, victims sugarcoat it, lie to themselves and convince everyone that these issues are natural in a relationship and that every couple faces similar problems. Hence, I’d say 50% of your problem is solved as you know and accept that you’re in an abusive relationship.
Abusers get more and more strong with every opportunity that you buckle down under them. They may use many techniques to achieve it like threatening, emotional blackmail, silent treatment, etc. so that you’re eventually manipulated into consenting to this kind of behavior.
The next step is resolution. You need to have a very strong will to make it happen if you really want him to go away for good. Make sure you don’t budge, no matter what. Weigh out the consequences of what is the worse that can happen if you do decide to take a stand. Take your family or someone close to you in confidence and just freeze him out of your life. Block him from phone calls, messaging apps, Facebook, etc. Change your apartment lock if he has a spare key. Try to always be with someone or in public view unless behind a locked door. Lie low for a while till the dust settles. Remember, if he goes out of line or does something of criminal nature, you can always take the assistance of authorities (police, restriction orders, etc.)
It will take him some time to realize that you’re no longer willing to be the victim of his notority. But after that, he will leave you alone as you no longer cater to his needs.
You don’t deserve to be in a toxic relationship so once you see the 30 signs listed above ,quit…A break up is better than broken marriage.
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Rape in Relationship : is it allowed?
What Does Rape in relationship means?
According to,Rape is defined as unlawful sexual intercourse or any other sexual penetration of the vagina, anus, or mouth of another person, with or without force, by a sex organ, other body part, or foreign object, without the consent of the victim.rape in relationship is the act of doing it with your partner without their consent.
Does Law protect the right of rape victims in relationship?
When a woman has a close personal relationship with the man who rapes her, she (and others) may be confused about whether the attack was really a rape.
Oregon law, however, is clear on the subject of marital rape. Oregon has been a leader among the states in asserting that the marriage contract does not erase a wife’s right to say no to her husband. A woman in this state who is raped by her husband has the same rights as any other victim of rape, and she can receive the same protection under the Family Abuse Prevention Act as a woman who is beaten by her husband.
Similarly, what some call “date rape” is in fact the crime of rape. The term “date rape’” should not be used, as it is never appropriate to define a crime in the context in which it sometimes happens. For example, you would never hear, “it was a walk-in-the-park mugging”.
Sexual assaults and rapes are planned; they are not the results of unpredictable bursts of passion. The plan often is subtle and intricate, involving covert threats and manipulative actions. For example, earlier in the evening, the sexual offender might have demonstrated his strength in a playful wrestling match, or he may have shown her his gun collection or happened to mention violent acts he had committed in the past. The purpose is to plant the seeds of fear that will undermine her defenses when he attacks her.
Rapists will often rationalize, “It was a date, and she knew what to expect” (as if all dates are supposed to involve rape); or, “She shouldn’t have drunk so much if she didn’t want to do it” (since when is trusting someone an invitation to rape?); or, “She didn’t fight or scream” (as if being immobilized by fear or shock should be construed as consent).
Women who have been raped by their husbands or acquaintances experience many of the same fears and feelings as the victim of any sexual assault. They suffer from guilt (“Was it something I said? Or did?”), from fear (“What if it happens again?”), and from loss of trust (“How could he do this to me?”).
The victim needs to know that the attack was planned and nothing she did or did not do caused his sexually assaultive behavior. She needs to hear that he is a criminal and she is not an accessory to the crime but rather a victim. She needs to understand that her reactions during the assault—whether she chose nonresistance or screaming or some other tactic—were what she needed to do to survive. Only her instincts could tell her his potential for violence at that time, and she was correct to trust her instincts. Whether or not she chooses to prosecute, we encourage her to contact someone trained to work with sexual assault victims so that her healing process may begin as quickly as possible
Can you be raped by your spouse?
All states now recognize rape within marriage as a crime, and most charge the crime in the same way that rape between strangers would be charged. However, at least two states still have slight differences in the law for rape between spouses.Some states may have exemption to marital rape however most time it is difficult to proof as sex within marriage is consexual ,it do take marital discord or separation to proof marital rape occured.
Does age differences indicate rape in a relationship?
Yes it do matter to law the age of the two partner and this bring us to something called STATUTORY RAPE ;This is defined as having sex with a partner less than 18 years ,For instance if Mr A who is 20 years had sex with Miss B who is 17 (less than 18years) Then this is considered as Statutory rape has even though she gave consent and it was mutual but she’s not Old enough to give consent.You can be sue Under law for Statutory Rape so beware.
To know more about sexual assault and rape,check last post on Rape : man’s Inhumanity

What are the problems associated with rape in a relationship
1.Traumatic attack
3.Constant Fear and Insecurity
4.Low self Esteem
5.Unwanted pregnancy
Among others…
In conclusion,Rape in Relationship exist and should be eradicated.There is nothing like he/she lost control of their sexual urge,one of the characteristics of rape in relationship is that it is often planned and the victim would have been seeing signs of intimidation from the partner.
If you’ve ever been raped in a relationship,it can be traumatic and have side-effects however its left for you to move on with your life,and try to avoid the attack the next time.It is not  normal and appropriate as you have the right to sue the offender.
Remember you have the right to be free from violence and to reject actions against your will.
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What is the No.#1 cause of breakup and divorce in relationship by Ayanfemi
Relationship should be sacred and devoid of infidelity and unfaithfulness,I’ve gave the 7 warning signs your partner cheating in one of my previous post and tips to healthy relationship in another.

  However today we will be talking about major causes of breakup and divorce in relationship ,I approached Ayanfemi who is a relationship consultant to share me some of the causes of breakups and below is what he shared with me

Let me share a secret here, that have worked for most Marriages, relationships and even personal life. Please don’t criticize if it doesn’t work for you, just read and pass. I am using relationship, Marriage and the ladies as an example but it applies to all sex (male and female) and anyone or Organizations in life.

We have a lot of recorded divorce everyday most especially from young couples. Let me share some reasons!!!

You want a man who will succeed, now as a woman do you really have or can you really sacrifice for what it takes a man to succeed?

If Yes what about this your present relationship? Have you been able to?
You want a man who will have or create best time for you… Now can you also create or have that best time for the man?

If Yes what about this your present relationship? Have done that?
You want a to marry from a family that will love you… Or your family wants you to marry from the family that will love you. Can they really pay such sacrifice or can you pay that sacrifice?
If Yes what about this your present relationship?

You want a man that can sacrifice his life for you .. can you sacrifice your life for a man?
You want a man that will not cheat on you or have a bestie/female friends maybe because you are the jealous type, now Can you do the same for man? If Yes what about this your present relationship?

You want a man that will introduce you to his friends, can you also introduce him to his friends? If Yes what about this your present relationship?

You want a faithful man, can you be a faithful woman? If Yes what about this your present relationship?

You want who will truly love and cherish you, can you truly love and cherish a man? If Yes what about this your present relationship?

You want man that will prove to his family that he truly loves you, can you really prove to your family you truly love a man? If Yes what about this your present relationship?

You want a man that will spend all his savings for you, just for you to believe that he loves you, can you really spend all you have on a man to make him happy? If Yes what about this your present relationship?

You want someone who can trust you, are you really working for someone to trust you?.

Now after reading all these Questions if your answer is ‘Yes’ now tell me why is it difficult for you to prove all that now in this your present relationship?
Why is difficult for you?

I have discovered that most times in life, we got the results of what we ask for with our actions and later regret accuse or ask God if He truly answers prayers. What actually happens is that after asking or praying to God, God release what you pray for but Satan divert you by poisoning your mind and diverting you to different or wrong directions and you end up losing.

Most of the things you pray for don’t show up because your actions tells a different results.

 You want people to be good, be a good person to someone. You need a good servant, are you a good boss? You want a good Government, are you a good contizen? You want good friends, are you a good friend to someone? You want givers around you, are you a giver? You want those under you to respect you, are you respecting those that are above you?

Read more: Rape in relationship

You will NEVER have certain most important things in life you pray for until you work or sacrifice for it.
 Let your actions speak whatever you are seeking for. Or more than what you are seeking for.

Marriage is a journey of hard work of sacrifices alone that begins from relationship. A journey of two persons to accomplish life purpose. With paying the sacrifice there is no success.

 You harvest what you plant. Let your character prove your prayers to God. Not your words 

That’s what  I learnt from him,However if your partner is cheating and you planning to divorce with him/her,There are better options to that especially if you have kids already,Read my post on ways to get your husband from the other woman and it will be solved

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Meet William Omoye (A relationship expert) as he shares tips to healthy relationship
RELATIONSHIP as it were, is a koinonia or cohabitation between people irrespective the number, color or race.
But, on this confined space, and for the purpose of the column we shall be talking on the most coveted kind of relationship which is symbiotic and sexually inclined relationship between a man and a woman for the sole purpose of pleasure and copulating.

Human being are the main focus in every sexually bargained relationship, their believes, experiences and interest for the relationship and the person they are dating are determinant factors, whether the relationship will flourish or not. 

Every relationship must thrive on veritable affections, such love feelings must be reciprocative with utmost interest, if not with the same energy as given but near close to it.
A healthy relationship has a lot of commitment and demands on it path, if it must be achieved and sustain for a longer time. There are some lay down necessities and requisite partners must be ready to fulfill before they can say their relationship is a healthy one. 

Some of the requirements are

Every relationship must have a basic foundation which they want to grow on, the sole reason they are agreeing to be together is key, a well defined relationship will have it way on the path of fulfillments and happiness. 
Purpose should be the first point of negotiation and a such an integral part in any relatonship.

Commitment, is very important in a relationship, because there are going to be so much that will be said, and so many misunderstanding and hiatus in a  relationship but one thing that can pull such relationship through thick and thin is veritable commitment.

Any relationship that lacks transparency will not thrive, one major part of any relationship irrespective is openness of emotional need and personal opinion.

Whatever ideology, plan and implementation whatsoever that should accord a relationship, it must be a collated idea. 
Partners are to sit comfortably with a believe that their ideas and opinion is very important, either in the life of their partner or to the relationship as it were. 
Every opinion and views of both partner is very important to foster change irrespective and must be embraced wholeheartedly.

 big issue in relationship is that partner’s always want to be heard and often time very loud and selfish with their suggestion without first thinking in the perspective of their partner’s feelings and emotional state and that may be so wrong and hurting sometimes. 

Trust is another big issue that partner find difficult to work with in a relationship.  A lot would make trust for the other partner something worth the while, if there has always been a reason to trust from the beginning. 
More reason why transparency is one major factor to determine 100% trust for a partner.

The term “loyalty” has nothing to do with slavery or subjugation against someone’s wish but, it is a volitional and purposeful giving of ones idea, opinion, support, happiness and care for the benefit of the relationship.

9. LOVE 
Relationship must be build on this very important requisite genuinely and with much focus. Love is very imperative in all level of relationship.

William Omoye is a relationship expert,you can contact him on twitter @Omowillie

Stay safe guys
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Nine(9) things to look out for in courtship

In today’s world, there are a lot of marriages which has been brought to a halt, some are about coming to end, while others are struggling to keep it up. Day in day out, divorce documents are being filed in various registry. Just some few months ago, a news was reported where over 4,000 cases of divorce was being filed in a single day at Abuja, Nigeria. There are many reasons attached to these but most largely depends on the wrong choice of partner. Here are some of the tips/guidelines to look out for before embarking to the altar call.

1. Humility: This Is considered one of the most important factor when choosing a spouse. Humility is the state of not being proud, egoless, etc. Your to-be spouse should be able to render himself/herself low as a sign of respect. Irrespective of the status, rich or poor, wealthy or hustling, humility should come first in all. This will show a good sign of respect present in your spouse before walking down the Aisle with him or her.

2. Love: There must be a reciprocal love between you and your spouse. The love must be unconditional and shouldn’t be one sided. Though there are spouses who tend to deceive their partners even till marriage, a partner who loves you unconditionally wouldn’t do that. 

3. Sacrifices: Love comes with great sacrifices. Sacrifices shows how deep the love your spouse has for you. Sometimes, you may have to test him/her to check. It’s not always the best but it’s needed. Watch out for the sacrifices he/she makes for you whether rich, wealthy or poor.

4. Tolerance: This is by far one of the most important things you watch out for before marriage. What can your spouse tolerate, how much can he/she tolerate problems, challenges, ugly situations, hard times. Marriage won’t always be sweet as it’s not a bed of roses, so, you should watch out for your spouse tolerance range among other things.

5. Trust: This is defined as having confidence or reliance in your spouse. When you are far apart and your spouse tells you he/she is in a party or get together, do you trust him/her enough not to engage in ugly scenes. Your spouse should be someone who trusts you wholeheartedly, have confidence in your and your ability, then reliance on your person. So, watch out for this

6. Jealousy: Jealousy is normal in relationship but should be kept at the optimal level/minimal level. If your spouse is the very jealous type, try talking it out with him/her. If after discussing and it does still persist, do well to end the relationship/courtship.

7. Godly Behavior: What is his/her attitude? Are you able to cope with him/her? Is it the behavior you will want to move with forever?. Good and godly behavior should be watched out for in your spouse before during courtship.

8. Godly,not religious: Is he/she of the same or different religion with you?. A good spouse will always keep to his/her faith and respect authorities. He/she should not take religion like a tug of war but rather be sensible enough to determine what to do in situations.

9. Good source of income: There must be a source of income for your spouse before marriage. Don’t get into marriage with the hope of things becoming better. While it may work for some people, it doesn’t work for all. So, your spouse must have a source of income and a place to stay before marriage.

A broken courtship is better than a broken marriage. Marriage is to be enjoyed and not endured. A good marriage begins from a strong courtship. Therefore, watch out for these steps before you walk down the aisle with your spouse.

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